Let your guard down

image_567452681628886If your like me your knee deep in holiday festivities, but when adoption or fostering is part of your story there is a wound that sits tender on days like today. At the back of your mind amidst all the chaos and beauty is the mom or dad of the child you love who never quite got it together or who are trying their hardest but their success means your loss. Or maybe it’s the knowledge that there are siblings this child will never know or who are separated through no fault of their own.  It could be that tomorrow you will be back to visits, meetings and appointments but you really just want to hold onto today and pretend it all away. Or there is someone that has come forward on the child you want to be your own & if you were honest you wish they’d go away. Whatever it is, it’s there, a fracture that runs deep and threatens your picture perfect Christmas.

And again if your like me it’s enticing to want to put a wall around your heart; to protect yourself from the fear and heartache that threatens to overtake you. To shut the door to everything else, to put up your guard and manage it all by withholding or withdrawing. Heck you might even have well meaning friends or workers telling you to do just that. After all you’re the one meant to protect this child, protect your family, protect yourself. But Christmas and what it stands for breaks down walls & opens doors wide. It stands guard over the places & things we try to protect not to save them from the outside world but to guard them from us. See if left to our own devices we would destroy the best things holding onto to lesser things, but you can let your guard down and open yourself to it all. To the gift of new friends & family that might be found in the ones that came forward. To the gift of kindness that comes from making that phone call or sending that picture to the parent who is trying or the gift of forgiveness and prayer for the ones that didn’t or couldn’t. To the gift of love and compassion for the children you may never know, the siblings who are not in your care but who are forever tied to you.

You can let your guard down and let the fear and heartache grow dim in the light of Him or just let it be what it is, maybe even let it overtake you and change you.

Let your guard down and let the fracture heal or become a part of your new normal, a picture perfect Christmas story that’s not based on what you would like it to be but what it is… real, raw and true.

 

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